Tuesday, December 30, 2008
1. After making patient rounds you hurry up to the callroom to leave your things. You then decide that you want to pee. You therefore go to the common bathroom to pee. After peeing, you flush the bowl. Instead of the yellow pee getting sucked down the drain, the bowl makes weird gurgling sounds and the water moves in the opposite direction… and rises. You watch in horror, for with the rising water comes… a huge amount of yellow turd. YELP!
2. Your psychology 160 paper is on fetishes. It’s the year 2001, and you don’t have internet access yet, so you go to an internet café in Philcoa, the one in the 2nd floor, the one that gives a glass of free iced tea (is this café still there?). You type “fetishes” in yahoo, and you click on a link that looks academic. Immediately after clicking ten images rapidly flash on the screen: a guy peeing on a girl, a guy pooping on a girl, a guy smelling a nude girl’s nether regions, and so on. You couldn’t click the close icons fast enough. All you can do: YELP!!
3. You are in 4th year high school and haven’t watched a porn movie before, and you are annoyed because you couldn’t participate in gazebo conversations. And today, there is no one else in the house. You discover that your dad has a porno cassette under the bed, so with your hand shivering in excitement and fear you slam the cassette into the Betamax tape slot. Betamax, because it is 1996 after all. But the video is too grainy, so you decide to stop it, and because in thirty minutes or so your dad will be coming back home anyway. You press the eject button, and it doesn’t eject. You press it again, and it just won’t work. The tape won’t come out. And you can’t reason out that you’re unaware the tape is porno, because it’s entitled Forest Fuckers Part VII. Of course, you can only… YELP!
4. You haven’t intubated anyone before, ever, and your patient is gasping and about to die. For some weird reason none of your colleagues is in the vicinity. You faux-confidently ask for the intubation set, ask the interns to assist you, and sleekly ram the tube down the throat. You are then puzzled why the patient is still gasping so you pull the tube out, and discover in annoyance rice and tocino bits in the tube. You insert again, and again—gastric. By this time beads of sweat are falling down, and for some reason it totally escapes you that anesthesiologists exist. You try again and again, self-esteem disintegrating further each time, until the patient goes into arrest. There is no one to call, you are starting to get crazy, you are starting to clutch your head in panicky looniness, but you don’t want to get crazy! So you just let out one loud… YELP!!! YEEEEEELP!
Also on True Hollywood Story, the triumphs and tragedies of Traci Lords. Traci Lords is credited for having almost single-handedly destroyed the entire LA porn industry. You see, Traci auditioned for a porn movie and passed herself off as more than 18 years old, and since then made a lot of movies. Unbeknownst to everyone, she was, I think, 16 or 17 and therefore illegal. A secret someone (theorized to be Traci herself) then tipped off the police about this, causing a massive legal action against the porn industry. Traci then explained away all her lurid performances by saying she was on drugs the whole time. It is now illegal to own any of the Traci movies, as it is considered kiddie porn.
And yet on another fun episode of True Hollywood Story, the tragedies and tragedies of a former child actor named Ronnie something. I can vaguely recall this episode 7 years ago, but he was some child actor who had a popular run in a series of family movies, but failed to grow up well, having retained his chubbiness and being all around ugly. Anyway he got so depressed he decided to try out porn so he could make money and meet girls, and he was initially regarded as a high-profile pornstar being originally a mainstream actor and all, but eventually ended up being a failure, being totally unequipped for such a demanding job. I don’t know what happened to him. In fact I don’t remember much about that episode, all I remember is that as I was watching it in my dorm in Philcoa I was eating ube and peanut-flavored tikoy from Chinatown given by Angelique Uy. Angelique is one of my psych blockmates, and she got a 1.0 in Physics 71, which I barely survived. Years ago we went to Chinatown for our Humanities II paper, along with Engineering students Loline and Ryan (or Mark? Jason?), and we ate huge amounts of tikoy. This year she gave birth to a really cute Chinese baby, and it sucks that I missed her wedding. I also missed Abby and Therese’s wedding, which I thought then were unfathomable. More Ritalin!
1. Neurologist shipper jack knight recently gifted me with the gift of health. Mental health, that is. We passed by each other in the wards and she cryptically murmured, “I scream, you scream, we all scream for non-fat tofutti rice dreamsicle”, and I knew. She walked passed me and surreptitiously inserted a black plastic bag in one of those chart slots, then performed an eerie Anasazi chicken dance. I hurriedly opened the bag after casting furtive glances behind me, and I discovered that it was filled with… porcelain pandas. I broke open said pandas and discovered in glee… a bunch of fluoxetines. Mmmmmm. Again—Mmmmmmmmm. Okay so it didn’t happen that way—she just texted me that she had fluoxetines, and she handed them to me. Thank you, NSJK, won’t be trying to behead self any time soon.
2. Had our batch Christmas party on the last night of slaveyearhood. A few minutes before 12 mn, Pyra screamed, “No more readmissions!!!!” to everyone’s cheer. “No more quest for 21 vials of Imipenem!!!” Cheers. “No more disgusting, pathetic self-whoring for CT scan and 2D-echo scheduling!!!” Loud cheers. “No more MROD-ship and IV-line insertion trickery!!!” Loud, loud cheers. Alcohol, drunkenness, and nudity galore followed.
3. Saw Jumper on DVD (fake, of course), and was completely reaffirmed that Hayden can’t act his way out of a paperbag. I guess he’s going for the intense, brooding look, but he just looks stoned. Come to think of it, he’s probably stoned the entire time. The only good thing about it is Jamie Bell, who we will forever remember as the tutu-wearing… Billy Elliott!!! And as the military draftee in the Green Day video!!!
4. During one of my first duties as a clearance person I received a bunch of referrals for last-minute pre-holiday surgery crammings demanding cardiopulmonary clearance. First referral read in panic, “FIRST CASE!!!”, meaning the surgery will be done 6am the next day, so I marked it as priority for clearance. 2nd referral screamed in hysterical panic, “FIRST CASE!!!!!” so I marked it as well. 3rd referral yelled, caterwauled, shrieked, “FIRST CAAAAAASE!!!!!” so I marked it as well. And so on until the 21st referral. Just how many operating rooms and surgeons do we freaking have?!?! To annoy everyone I went to Robinson’s first and had my daily toy rounds. Sige, operahan nyo sila ng sabay-sabay! I thought, stomping my way to Toys R’ Us.
5. We recently moved to a new callroom, which is half the size of our first one. Everyone was hustling and bustling about, and Mark V and I simultaneously wanted to pass by this narrow space between the dining table and Gracieluisa’s table in a hurry, so we accidentally bumped each other and I fell on the floor. Okay maybe not fell on the floor, but I did hit my liver on the sharp edge of Gracieluisa’s table and I bled profusely. Okay maybe not bleed, but I did feel dizzy and got disoriented and thought I was in Azarath for ten seconds. Okay maybe not get disoriented, but I did get thrown across the room and got impaled on the metal bar that just happened to be jutting out of the wall. Okay maybe not get thrown and impaled but I did… the point is I don’t have any muscle mass and is therefore the perfect person to bully and hit. There.
2. Recently discovered Pushing Daisies, which is very stylish, Royal Tenenbaumish, Franny and Zooeyish. It’s quite fun, and it’s making me hungry for a lot of cherry pies. The facts are these: Ned has the ability to bring the dead back to life with a touch. If he touches them again they die again forever. But if 60 seconds pass and he doesn’t touch them again so they can re-die, someone else within close proximity dies. Ned uses this ability to solve murder cases by touching dead victims back to life, asking them who killed them, and touching them dead again before the 60 seconds are up. And of course as with any fun show by the time I discovered it it has already been cancelled.
3. Survivor Gabon recently wrapped up, and the winner is Bob the Physics teacher. My fantasy role is to be one of those cheering locals in the home town of a Survivor winner the camera focuses on after the winner is announced. It just looks… fun.
4. In Smallville, Luthor and Lana are no longer regulars, and we instead have Green Arrow, Doomsday and Ms. Tetcher. The only thing to look forward to is the appearance of the Legion of Superheroes in January, and we know it’s not going to be crap because the episode will be written by Geoff Johns!!!
5. And in National Geographic, Fight Quest! Two American UFC dudes travel around the world and learn international fighting styles. This week they went to Manila and studied arnis, then competed with the Philippine military. One of my frustrations in life is arnis, which I particularly wanted to learn ever since Nightwing and Oracle, formerly Batgirl, took the fighting style as their preferred fighting mode. Come to think of it, it’s not even a frustration. A frustration is when you at least got to buy the implement, and after failing to be good in it or sustain interest equipment now sit dully in your locker room, along with the tae-kwon-do uniform with the yellow belt, the guitar, the flute, the parapalooshka, etc.
6. And in Heroes, healing powers! Cheerleader Blondie has healing powers. So does Peter. And Sylar. And Cheerleader Blondie’s dad as well because he got some blood transfusion. And Nathan also managed to heal his own burned face. And 4 other characters have healing powers as well. Healing powers are soooo cool. I get it!
7. While lazying up in our new callroom Tessie brought up the topic Eva Fonda. What the heck is Eva Fonda I asked. Everyone had their inputs, but Tessie recounted all the episodes so far in a sentence, “Eva Fonda got raped by her stepfather so she went to Manila and on the way there the taxi-driver raped her and when she found a job her boss raped her. In last night’s cliffhanger, a pedicab driver was eyeing her boobies as if he were planning to… rape her.” I finally saw a commercial of this show, and it shows Eva Fonda in the shower, and a dude outside is pressing his ear against the restroom door, licking his lips, obviously waiting to, what else, rape her.
8. Still while lazying up in the new callroom, Studio 23 was having a movie marathon for Christmas. And we all watched Honey I Shrunk the Kids. HIV yelled: “Betamax classic!”. Chiroptera cried: “Big props!!!” Bat Hound: “Puppetry!!!” Purple Girl: “Robotics!!!” HIV: “Rick Moranis!!!!” Unlike in most old movies re-watched recently, we couldn’t identify any of the actors other than Rick Moranis. Obviously none of them became huge stars. We therefore concluded that the girl Amy became a porn star none of us got to see.
9. More lazying up in the callroom (so much time to happily lazy about): David Archuleta was singing Crush in MYX. As we watched the video Ruthie theorized, “I think he’s gay.” Nods, grunts, uh-huhs. 20 seconds later HIV walked in to the callroom. He then said, “Oooh, David! I think he’s gay.” This called to mind Ditz D Titz, who is now in Neptune, New Jersey, treating American kids with, what else, Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease and Kuru. Unlike the regular gaydar which utilizes electromagnetic waves, she uses her very astute sense of smell. To quote, she can smell a closet gay guy’s secret matres. This called to mind a strange Bachelorette-type reality competition wherein the girl must detect who among her hunky suitors is straight, with almost all of them secretly gay. If her final pick is a gay guy she wouldn’t get the million dollars, and she wouldn’t get laid. Forgot the name of this weird show, and I’m not sure if she found her one true love. I remember that when I first saw the ad for this I wanted to pitch a new concept: A Bachelor-type of show wherein the guy must chose who among the girls does not have… gonorrhea. Or haemophilus ducreyi infection. Or glomerulonephritis.
My ultimate high school fanboy fetish was Rogue. That was in the early 90’s, when the X-Men were still big with the cartoons and stuff. My favorite episode was A Rogue’s Tale, about Rogue getting all crazed up and whiny about her having absorbed Ms. Marvel’s powers before Jean Grey cured her. There was just something about the exaggerated southerner accent and absorbing powers that was sort of… ahem, wetdreamish. I got her 1995 comic mini-series that finally showed her letting go of Cody, a storyline I was strangely crazy about. Her character development peaked in the Age of the Apocalypse storyline, where she was the earth mother of sorts of all mutants and married to Magneto. Apparently Magneto can create some sort of electromagnetic field between them while having sex, so talk about multi-tasking. In total fanboyness I got her 90’s action figure which had… a belt accessory. The Cyclops action figure of course had light-up eyes and Wolvy had retractable claws, but she had… a removable brown belt. I failed to get her 2001 X-Men movie action figure because it had a… pink furry scarf. I failed to get her Toy Biz Marvel Legends action figure in 2004 basically because… she looked like a drag queen. And by this time you are probably fed-up with the damn too many… ellipses. Anna Paquin was passable in the movie, but the X3 move to have her willingly give up her powers just so she could have sex with Bobby was total crap. And so after years of youthful yearning I have finally met… Rogue! In PGH. I know, I look ten kinds of bewildered and twenty kinds of stupid in the pic, but she is just so sizzling.
Rogue with the shiniest hair of them all and with yellow laundry gloves
With the bedazzling Storm
Again with Rogue, Daddy Cyclops with Spraynet Hair, Cheerleader Lass, Goldskirt Girl, and Ballroom Bonanza Belle. That dude in the sutana is Ding (as in Ding, ang bato!), who is secretly… Archangel. Long story.
The whole shebang with Wolverina and Pyro/Shellane mascotThese were from a recent interdepartmental performance competition, the goal being to see how everyone will make a karir out of things. The theme is Books to Movies, so Family Medicine did something from Bridget Jones, Pediatrics did something from the Greek Mythology, and Orthopedics performed… All I Have To Give by the Backstreet Boys. Early on I pitched the idea of Sodom and Gomorrha, but it was rightfully turned down because no one was willing to participate in a pretend orgy. And also, it would have required seven sacks of salt to create Lot’s Wife. In the end we lost to a host of dancing shadows, but at least I got enough superhero pics… to submit to Wizard Magazine!!!