Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Yelp!

Sometimes it gets too boring to whine, so the alternative is to yelp. I’m too lazy to check the dictionary so I’m not sure if this is an actual verb, but it’s usually used as an onomatopoeia in comic books, usually for dogs. As persons, in what particular situations can we ascribe the sounds we make as a yelp?

1. After making patient rounds you hurry up to the callroom to leave your things. You then decide that you want to pee. You therefore go to the common bathroom to pee. After peeing, you flush the bowl. Instead of the yellow pee getting sucked down the drain, the bowl makes weird gurgling sounds and the water moves in the opposite direction… and rises. You watch in horror, for with the rising water comes… a huge amount of yellow turd. YELP!

2. Your psychology 160 paper is on fetishes. It’s the year 2001, and you don’t have internet access yet, so you go to an internet café in Philcoa, the one in the 2nd floor, the one that gives a glass of free iced tea (is this café still there?). You type “fetishes” in yahoo, and you click on a link that looks academic. Immediately after clicking ten images rapidly flash on the screen: a guy peeing on a girl, a guy pooping on a girl, a guy smelling a nude girl’s nether regions, and so on. You couldn’t click the close icons fast enough. All you can do: YELP!!

3. You are in 4th year high school and haven’t watched a porn movie before, and you are annoyed because you couldn’t participate in gazebo conversations. And today, there is no one else in the house. You discover that your dad has a porno cassette under the bed, so with your hand shivering in excitement and fear you slam the cassette into the Betamax tape slot. Betamax, because it is 1996 after all. But the video is too grainy, so you decide to stop it, and because in thirty minutes or so your dad will be coming back home anyway. You press the eject button, and it doesn’t eject. You press it again, and it just won’t work. The tape won’t come out. And you can’t reason out that you’re unaware the tape is porno, because it’s entitled Forest Fuckers Part VII. Of course, you can only… YELP!


4. You haven’t intubated anyone before, ever, and your patient is gasping and about to die. For some weird reason none of your colleagues is in the vicinity. You faux-confidently ask for the intubation set, ask the interns to assist you, and sleekly ram the tube down the throat. You are then puzzled why the patient is still gasping so you pull the tube out, and discover in annoyance rice and tocino bits in the tube. You insert again, and again—gastric. By this time beads of sweat are falling down, and for some reason it totally escapes you that anesthesiologists exist. You try again and again, self-esteem disintegrating further each time, until the patient goes into arrest. There is no one to call, you are starting to get crazy, you are starting to clutch your head in panicky looniness, but you don’t want to get crazy! So you just let out one loud… YELP!!! YEEEEEELP!

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