What, you think I’d just let it go? You think I couldn’t make to 51? Well here are the next five parallel earths I think we really have, those that can be accessed only by running the cosmic treadmill with the speed of light!
6. Earth Evil- Where everyone is always intent on doing something evil. Because even if we are inherently evil in our own universe we don’t really go plotting murder and rape all the time, do we, but not on this parallel earth! You would be eating breakfast with your girlfriend and you wouldn’t know if she has slipped arsenic in your cereals, just for the heck of it! You would deliberately prescribe aspirin for gastric ulcer, because you’re evil! Pure eeeeevil! And you want to kill! Kiiiilll!!! I suddenly remember that the first short story I ever wrote is some garbage called Creative Killing, about a secret class in a high school where the goal is to teach kids how to kill in style. Of course the main character is just hallucinating, because she feels guilty when she accidentally killed her mom years before! This is pure crap, of course, but I still hold it dear because I wrote it using my quaint typewriter, Olympia.
7. Earth Prime- Where the supernatural is real. Because no matter how I try to imagine that the thing I saw one Saturday night hovering in the sky is a UFO, I know for a fact that it was just a weather balloon or a secret government nuclear weapon, damn it. I know for a fact that there are really no aliens, and neither are there any vampires, crop circles, mutant liver-eating contortionists, or genderbending Amishes. I know they’re not real, damn it, but in Earth Prime we shall have pot sessions with a genuine kapre.
8. Earth Gender Bender- Like the one in DC comics, everyone’s genders are reversed! All the girls in this earth are boys, and the boys are girls in this parallel universe! I shall be a girl, and what an ugly girl I’ll make. I shall be, let’s say, an ugly office secretary, and a flirty one at that. And since I’m ugly and unappreciated, I shall be sexually aggressive and make a pass at the pizza delivery boy! Neurologist Shipper Jack Knight shall be a boy (yes, despite the name, Jack Knight is a girl in this universe), and she’ll be a neuro patient instead with, what else, Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease! Smoketh shall be a boy and she’ll be, let’s say, an ortho resident who will go on kissing rounds every New Year’s eve! Mark V shall be a girl, and he’ll be, what else, a showbiz talk show host who is linked to a non-showbiz boylet and is secretly carrying his baby, and who should this non-showbiz boylet be but Smoketh himself!!!
9. Earth Cono- In this parallel universe I am a full-fledged cono. Back in college I was always sitting by the AS steps, texting my manong driver using my cellphone! And this was in the late 90’s, where only the true-blooded rich kids had nokia 5110! The faceplates of which I would change everyday! My legs are really white and hairy, because I’m rich! I wore expensive khaki shorts to school, and my footwear, of course, were Birkenstocks!!! I live in one of those posh villages in QC, where my yayas wear uniforms! And how dare you suggest I touch one of those icky… what do you call them… isaws in UP Diliman. Eeeuw. Let me say again, eeeuw. And back in high school? I was the first one to ever own a Trapper Keeper and wear Tretorn. I got them in Quad 2. Beat that.
10. Earth Hot- Where everyone is hot, including me. It may seem totally unfathomable to you now, but in this parallel universe I am a total hottie. So is everyone else. I have abs and pecs so hard and ripped you can use them to brush your clothes. You are hot too. You have extremely huge boobs, poreless skin, and you look like you’ve been taking one million kilograms of glutathione daily. The pirated DVD vendor is hot, the janitress is hot, and you always fight the urge to jump all the patients in the charity wards because they are all so damn hot. There are no ugly people… or aren’t there? Conspiracy theorists posit that babies born with the misfortune of being un-hot are immediately ground to hamburger and fed to the hot people. Conspiracy theorists also posit that hamburgers made from ugly babies are actually responsible for turning people hotter. Unfortunately back in the 70’s one ugly Latin American baby was hidden from the Ugliness Killers, and later lived as a recluse in a Papua New Guinea mountain. He was later discovered and ground to hamburger, and fed to the pretty people. Unbeknownst to everyone he had Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, so all the hotties who ate him contracted this prion disease and died. Then a priest who had an illicit affair with a rock star in the Andes… this story is getting out of hand, so I’ll stop.