Saturday, February 7, 2009

52!

In the DC Universe there are now 52 parallel universes. Back in the 60’s there were infinite parallel universes, multiverse, if you will, with infinite versions of Supermen, Batmen, etc. And then in 1985 with Marv Wolfman’s Crisis on Infinite Earths an attempt was made to cleanse up the then cluttering mess of endless universes, and there ended up only one true universe. This went on until 2005 with Geoff Johns’ more superior Infinite Crisis, which then continued with the weekly series 52, which concluded with parallel universes being reborn, but this time with a more manageable 52 universes. Hence we have a universe where the Nazis won and the American heroes are continuously struggling, a universe where Batman is a vampire, a universe where the genders are reversed so we have Superwoman and Batwoman instead, a universe where Kal-El landed in Ukraine instead of in Kansas so Superman became a Russian communist leader instead, and so on. This gets me to thinking, if in our own boring universes we can have fifty-one other parallels, what would they be? Here are the first 5:

Earth 247- Stress-free Universe. How fun. Because in this universe Leonard Lim created a pill that can cure everything—from stuck foreign objects in the ear to cancer to Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease in one dose. This renders every doctor and any other drug useless, so we no longer have to deal with long stressful medical training that will give birth to palpably bloated medical egos. Doctors of course will be replaced by drug-dealers, and we will all be a bunch of pill-poppers.

Earth S- Sleep Universe. Wherein whoever fails to sleep for more than fifteen hours a day develops brain cancer and dies. This of course will lead to legislations that will limit work to 5 hours a day, because we still have leisure, traffic, study, and comic-book reading to cram in the remaining 4 hours. This will lead to shorter movies, shorter lecture hours, more fashionable beds, and most importantly, dutiless-ness.

Earth X- Porn Universe. Where everyone acts as if he/she were in a porn movie. You order a pizza, and a buxom girl in micro skirt delivers it to you and you have sex in the office, with faux-jazz music suddenly blaring in the background. A wife is annoyed that her sink pipe is busted and she calls the next door plumber, and who should come in but a hairy-chested greasy dude with huge plumbing materials. You walk in on two people having sex, and you, of course, join. And since this is real life there is no assurance that everyone will look good. In fact everyone will look like the way they are in our universe. And since everyone is so horny we will all have gonorrhea, Hep B, and AIDS, so everyone will die in ten years. Or better yet, a rain of fire will come, and someone will turn into a pillar of salt for more fun.

Earth DC- DC Universe. Wherein the DC Universe exists. Because I really, really need to see Wonder Woman riding the invisible jet plan, or running in the streets using her magic lasso, or snapping Maxwell Lord’s neck. Because I really, really need to see the Batmobile. And the adult Lana Lang. And the entire Legion of Superheroes. I need to get the autograph of Kent Nelson and Allan Scott. I need to have a picture with the entire Justice League of America. I need to check if Dr. Light was really transformed into a giant melted candle by the Spectre. If I ever become clinically schizophrenic I wish to retire to a comic book universe in my head.

Earth M- Grand Musical Extravaganza Universe. Wherein everyone sings and acts as if he were in a grand musical extravaganza. For more annoyment, not just any grand musical extravaganza but the Sound of Music type of extravaganza, where everyone blares into a song unexpectedly and you shoot spaghetti from your nose in surprise. You just ask someone to pass the sugar and he croons a 4-minute single about crane extraction and sugar production and all the motivation and the aggravation. This would be the first universe to go once the Anti-Monitor unleashes his earth-destroying wall of energy.

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