Friday, February 13, 2009

Hospital Gossip

Is getting old. Yes we shouldn’t dwell on or proliferate gossip, but when you are trapped in a compound composed of people with cancer, heart failure, and Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, and you can’t watch TV on a regular basis, and you get disgusting cornified stuff in your hand from all that charting, and you get dizzy from all that roundsing (insert other annoying whines here), it would sometimes be interesting to be in the know with the latest goings on. The thing is nothing is going on. It’s been the same crappy issues over and over. For instance:

This resident admits the patient to the wards without securing blood first and the ward senior gets livid. Corny.

This resident admits the patient to the wards without having an elective neck mass biopsy done in the ER first and the ward senior wants the elective neck mass biopsy done in the ER first so she gets annoyed. Boring.

This resident gets banned from writing in the chart because she adjusted the plain NSS from 16 to 10 hours. Boring as hell.

This resident is annoyed at another resident from another department because the supposedly emergency referral is for tachycardia of 104. Vapid.

This resident fast drips 3 liters in a hypotensive CKD patient without realizing that the patient’s output for the past ten years was zero so the patient gets congested and when she was intubated tons of frothy water spilled out and the fellow-in-charge rightfully gets mad as hell. Ho-hum.

This resident gets the 10th degree from a consultant because the insulin administration isn’t to her liking because it utilized the sliding scale and the sliding scale is uncool because anyone can just read it and copy it from the much maligned Blue Book. Meh.

An intern weeps like there is no tomorrow because she doesn’t know the answer when asked the different types of beta-receptors during the afternoon endorsement and the resident sermonizes like there is no tomorrow to the point that the resident develops severe facial urticaria from anger. Meh.

This JAPOD gets demerits because she changes the cut-off time for patients to be endorsed from 6 am to 2 am. Meh.

This resident claims she quit from the program, when in fact she was fired because she wasn’t much of a kiss-ass. Meh meh MEH!!!

Altogether now: Booooooooooring! What, there are no sex scandals? No murder? No kuru patient who turns out to be the mother of a resident who identified him as her son because of a strange mole on his shoulder? No resident who falls in love with a bantay because the bantay reminds her of her lover who recently died in a plane crash? And the bantay turns out to be a twin of the lover hence the resemblance? And the twins are paranoid schizophrenic vampires? No baby switching? No formalin accidentally placed in the oxygen humidifier of the mechanical ventilator of an intubated patient in the source isolation room?!?! Oh, wait.

Newsies were relatively less ho-hum back then. When I was a clerk rumors had it that a couple (patients) had sex in the source isolation room during a black-out in the 5 minutes it took before the generators were on. The girl was encephalopathic from TB, and her young hubby was horny. Ooooh, nasty. There was also a rumor that a resident had a video sex scandal of him fornicating in the operating room. Ooooh, nasty, except it probably weren’t true because we still see him around—ooooh, that’s nastier. There was also a rumor that while extracting blood from an HIV patient our co-intern accidentally spilled blood on a wound on his hand—nasty nasty nasty—except this co-intern hasn’t had a fever or cough in the years after that. But he has Burkitt’s lymphoma. No he hasn’t. Or has he? I don’t know. And there was also a rumor that pathology residents were having a secret competition on figuring out how patients died—patients that they killed themselves—and that they have coke and orgy sessions in the autopsy room while doing the competition, and that one of them can secretly fly and absorb different superhuman abilities in another TV show. Wait, that’s Pathology.

Maybe there just isn’t much story to tell. A pity, as we can make tabloids which will be a hit with the residents and the bored patients and will make huge sums of money. For SAGIP-BUHAY. Ruter, Ging, and Paulette?

1 comment:

rich said...

ay naku...chismax?!

I have this love/hate relationship with it. I just love it if its nasty and true. I hate the drama, denial and exaggeration.

Boring ang mga chismis sa service nyo...promise