Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Reeking Falsehoods!

Wherein I rant about all the falsehoods of my childhood and expose them for the nasty lies that they are!
1. That there is a huge ship of vampires in space and that the vampires will disembark anytime soon. And it’s not a rocket ship, it’s more like a galleon floating in space. I can’t recall who ever made this story up, but it kept me awake for nights on end. Now that I mention it it sounds very Ray Bradbury.
2. That kisses give birth. Remember those tiny tiny spherical, fragrant things that are always in danger of being swallowed? Those cutesy allergic-rhinitis inducing rubbery beads that for some reason were never disallowed in elementary? News reached us that they give birth, with enough contact with rulers. The hours taken from playing sipaang bola rolling these infernal kisses under the ruler just so they can spawn! And as far as I can remember none of our elementary teachers ever corrected this notion. They would just lecture in front of the class, not minding that no one is listening because everyone is feverishly rolling a kisses bead under a ruler.
3. That you couldn’t take the shower after 12 noon during Holy Friday. Because instead of water maggots will shower down on you. This I totally blame on my mother. Years after I first heard and believed it I clarified this with my father, who exposed its falsehood, and who then went on to elaborate on intricate plumbing and electrical stuff.
4. That cheese curls cause hepatitis. I already blogged about this in my recently-coded Friendster blog, but in Grade 2 one of our classmates went to class jaundiced and edematous (which everyone interpreted as fat). She eventually died, and all the cheez curls and every yellow junk food were pulled out in the canteen. What, cheese now goes to the blood? Cheese in the blood. IV Cheese. Mmmm.
5. Satanistas. In Grade 4 news reached us that there is a group of dudes with bloodshot eyes who does nasty stuff on kids. The most popular being they would quickly gouge your eyes out while you’re in the peripheral seat in the tricycle. The tricycle would be zooming fast, and before you know it you’ll be missing your eyes. I’m sure there are genuine satanic cults out there—have you ever done anything like this?
6. That those toys that came in free with junk foods cause all sorts of nasty health issues. Remember those cute tiny gooey bears that came with Chikadees? I’m not sure about any health hazards, but they definitely accumulate libag. After days of playing with them they turn into disgusting foci for all sorts of dirt. And those free fake tattoos? They cause blood dyscrasia. It’s not just Chikadees, there’s another junk food I can’t recall right now, some sort of sister junk food of Chikadees, that also carries the same free toys. Whatever happened to Chikadees? Bring it back!
7. Health lies: That certain food combination will cause diarrhea, such as chocolates and orange. That you couldn’t take a bath when you have fever. I used to have an annual flu, wherein I would be confined to the bed usually for an entire week. Without taking a bath.
8. That you can tell if women are still virgins by looking at their carotids. Yes, carotids. This reeking falsehood was proliferated by one of my elementary teachers. Apparently, the carotids pulsate in some weird fashion if the woman already possesses carnal knowledge.
9. That in the “love scenes” in movies the actors don’t really come into contact—special effects are used to create the illusion of two people kissing or having sex. Special effects, particularly, the use of mirrors. Huh?!
10. That during the Holy Week God is dead, so you can’t go around playing or you’ll run into all sorts of danger. Come to think of it, all of these reeking falsehoods were seemed to be architected with the sole intent of making kids shut up and sit down.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

#4: is this "mmmm" an "mmmm" of yumminess, or an "mmmm" of thinking...? hehehe

#8&9: never heard these ones. but they make good kinky material.

#10: if god is dead, then he wouldn't be bothered by some noisy kids...