Friday, March 6, 2009

Masticating

During our Grade 6 graduation practice we were all trying to be sopranos. Yes—boy or girl, we were required to totally emulate the nun singing “O Panginoon Ko” in the exact ridiculous coloratura (coboratura? Cororatura? I can’t remember my grade 5 MAPE) soprano voice the nun teaching us had. Of course, no one could comply, so we would all just chat in the back or read the rather kitschy The Death of Superman or The Mote in God’s Eye, while all the active kids (who would raise hands for everything) were in front. This is also the same time when I discovered what BK in BK Boys stand for (if you remember that old, old entry, 2 readers). At one point I went to the rest room, and when I came back Ruth Marx asked me this rather perplexing question: “You went to the rest room to masturbate, didn’t you?” “I absolutely did not, mate!” I said. “Oh really, let me smell your hand then,” Ruth said, and he grabbed my right hand and the freak smelled it. “Quite masturbated, you definitely did!”

Okay the conversation didn’t really go like that, no one actually conversed in English/Australian then. Oh what the heck the more piquant conversation actually went like this—Ruth Marx: Nagjakol ka no?! Me: Gago hindi ako nagjajakol. Ruth Marx: Talaga, paamoy!!

In high school years later while waiting for public school kids we would catechize Radagast The Brown was sitting on one of the benches yawning. “I’m bored,” he said. “Yesterday I was so bored in my room I masturbated six times. How many times do you masturbate?” And this from my seatmate Brutus The Barber Beefcake who came in really late: “You know why I’m late? I saw a picture of Priscilla Almeda, and I masturbated!!! So I’m late. Did you masturbate this morning?” Side story: we had a classmate who wanted to impress us with her vocabulary and stuff, and while telling a story in a graded recitation about a cow chewing grass and stuff she said, “Cows eat grass. They possess strong jaws in masturbating the grass”.

So maybe it was because it was high school and stuff with hormones and crap causing all this fascination with jerking off, but it was rather flabbergasting (flabbergasting—what a totally poser word) when, in college, I was duped into joining a one-on-one Bible study. Long story about this duping which I think I’ve already blogged about, but in one particular session Chihuahua read a Bible passage, slammed close his Bible, and asked: “So, how many times do you masturbate? I used to masturbate twice a day, in the morning upon waking up, and before sleeping, thinking of all the nice boobsy girls I’ve seen in public jeepneys. So, how often do you masturbate?”

I find this particular question quite offending—quite offending, indeed. Because damn it, why do people just assume that I’ll masturbate?! Can’t I have healthy real life adult sex?! Rhetorical, don’t answer that.

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