Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Food Hysteria: A Detailed, Accurate Reportage of the Internal Medicine Biggest Loser Competition So Far!

And so everyone is on a crash diet, with the goal of getting that pot money. We can all say it’s a quest for health, well-being, total emaciation, etc. but the pot money you would win once you underweigh everyone in the Internal Medicine’s Biggest Loser competition is quite major too. If I haven’t been pooping my bile acids directly with concomitant steatorrhea as a consequence of my recent cholecystectomy I would have joined. Too much information. Yes.

And the competition is heating up! Unlike the TV competition this one is more intense, and everyone is cut-throat. There are no rules, you can try to lose weight any way you choose—diuretics, OHA’s, surgery, murder, total body transplant are all acceptable. They all had their weigh-ins just a couple of days ago, and just a few days in contestants HIV, UHBJAW, BL, Dondee, and Lloydie have been showing signs of emaciation. Lloydie hasn’t been eating anything. I’ve been leaving Marty’s Cracklings in the ICU bartolina and he wouldn’t dare touch the nefarious vegetarian chicharon, although I did catch him sprinkling powdered metformin on his rice. UHBJAW looked quite pale a few days ago, with weird facial tics, uncontrollable finger tremors, and scaling over both arms, obviously from some vitamin deficiency. Dondee is now too thin he is no longer 3D and can walk past a locked door. “What’s that you’re taking?” I once asked BL as I caught her popping a handful of tablets in her mouth. She just stared at me in total exophthalmos, hissed like a cat, and shrilled “It’s NOT eltroxin! It’s NOT!!!!” And in the restroom, disgusting mooshy feces all over all the time. Damn it, HIV, take your laxatives at home!!!

And in the universe’s attempt to balance things out (or some crap like that) all their hungers, all the food that they could have consumed, all their ravenous desires to stuff all sorts of trash down their mouths are being channeled instead to one specific mouth—mine. I am now so very hungry all the time. Okay maybe not all the time, I usually have no appetite to eat any breakfast or lunch, but come 7pm I want to eat everything. Why, just last night, after consuming two cups of rice and skeletonizing a bucket of Chicken Joy I tore open and consumed an entire family bag of Jack and Jill Potato Chips! Then I raided the ref and discovered and ate… a box of brownies! I then went to my sister’s to internet, we had a Shakey’s pizza delivered, and it was decimated in two munches! And right now as I’m typing this, my laptop keypads are getting soiled with sisig oil and bits of chicharon because I’m eating sisig as I’m typing, and I’m eating with my barehands because I can’t wait to stuff the entire hot plate down my fucking throat!!! Stop this competition, stop it right now!!!

6 comments:

KICK said...

So graphic! Love it. More please! :p

Ate Kaye said...

Hahaa! talk about being the Big Winner in the whole IM Dept. The foods you've been eating, when summed up, would be equal to the pot money, so yeah, you're the winner, after all. :-)

will said...

Kick, thanks! will push the boundaries of decency more next time!

Ate kaye, all that hunger being channeled to me, I would outweigh all the contestants combined before the month is through!

Tennille said...

I would just like to say... I would not want to join any contest, when, as the winner... you would be called the biggest LOSER. =p

Walking on Water said...

They're THAT intense?!?! No exaggeration? oh no, panic mode on! I need to undergo psychotherapy so i'd be anorexic. =(

stalker smoketh said...

will there be a second season? my my my. for weight loss, it seems that all the years of MD ship are going down the drain. but i do see the results!!!