Er, I mean, “Are You Like Me? A Quiz”, as I have no underlying desire to be liked, I am not clamoring to be liked, I’m not, I’m not hungry for approval, not everything I do is a subconscious wish to be loved just because no one loves me, it is not a Freudian slip, it is not! I am not asking if you like me, damn you, I am not!!!!
The quiz, therefore, is called “Are You Like Me?” because truly, you should strive not to be like me, as I am a mass of anger, hate, ennui, discomfort, and all sorts of psychosis rolled into one disgusting, obese goo. I look at the mirror, clutch my fat trochared belly, and cry “I’m fat!” and later on gorge myself with that wonderfully fake bacon-flavored trash, Baconette. “Strive not to be like me,” of course, being once again a self-important, self-aggrandizing concept that rams into your throat the importance of not being like me, and in the process actually telling you that it’s worth thinking about. Well you shouldn’t. Or it shouldn’t, the long run-on sentence making it difficult to point out the subject. So just shouldn’t. Shouldn’t not strive not to be like me. Too many negatives. I’m confused.
1. Do you wake up every morning with the thought, “Damn it, I’m still alive,” or its equivalent, “Shet, buhay pa ko,” with the whole process of taking a bath, brushing your teeth, putting on fresh clothes all a bleeping effort? And then you walk in the hospital with much dragging of the feet and in a scoliotic pose at that, the scoliosis no doubt brought about by that disgusting bag you carry around all the time on your shoulder?
2. Do you have a bag you’ve been keeping for three years which you only wash around once a year? A bag that is a nidus of infection, and which has probably caused nosocomial infection that jump from patient to patient? Is the bag a culture medium of pseudomonas, stenotrophomonas, achromobacter, yersinia pestis, the hanta virus, and dare I say it… prions? Would the bag explain the sudden encephalopathy and sudden spongiform features in the cranial CT scan of a patient who was only admitted for blood transfusion?
3. And would your bag which carries months-old census, week-old bread, and a blow torch (which you carry just in case) happen to have a secret compartment that carries… illegal drugs?
4. Do you eavesdrop on your frequent seatmates in Gloria Jeans? Like the Japanese dudes who are watching porn on their laptop? The police chief who wants to “churva” (fuck)? The much jeweled women who are filling up registration forms so they could put up a gay bar? The obese, neurotic looking doctor screaming on her cellphone that she is not a worthless person, that she deserves love, and damn you mother I can pay for the rent of my clinic myself?!?
5. Do you receive at least five texts a day with the cryptic message: Lur lur lur!?
6. Do you find yourself thrown into roles you never expect to play such as: a) The punchliner b)The PUG (Post-date Understanding Girlfriend) c) the person who doesn’t ask questions during the morning endorsements?
7. When you close your eyes at night as you attempt to go to sleep, are the things that you imagine: your ideal line-up of the Justice League of America, your ideal storyline for the next X-Files movie, a big girl fight between Supergirl and Vixen that lasts for hours, what your next pictorial of your action figures should look like, and who you think among your batchmates will vote you out in the next tribal council?
8. Do you have pedestrian stock greetings to your batchmates when you have nothing to say. Such as: to Mrs. Therese: Hey Missus! Or to Graciepoopieloop: Hey gracie wanna buy food? No? I’m sure if I were… you would go out of your way to buy with me, buy with me damn it! Or to Pyro: It’s like this Pyro, I know if we’re on the final four with you, me, Tits, and HIV it might be obvious you would vote me out, but think of it this way… or to Djana: Lurlurlur! Or to Lovelle: Hey mom. Or to Tessieloopagoop: Hey Tessie, wanna fuck? (The last one depends on her state of mind, if she looks toxic it’s just wanna snuggle?)
If you answer no in all of the questions, then you are well-adjusted in life and exhibits excellent mental health. If you answer yes in any of the questions, then you are doomed, I tells ya, doomed!!!