Thursday, September 15, 2011

Our Rant For The Day

Does not come from me, much to your relief. I have severe sore throat that if I use too many exclamation points it would hurt so much more. What's that you say, that it could be lymphoma? OF COURSE IT IS LYMPHOMA! What ELSE could it be?!? I've been groaning this morning in the callroom to my co-hellows that I have tonsillar lymphoma. Someone reminded me that in the past few months I HAVE HAD the following: liver cancer, gastric cancer, nasopharyngeal cancer, rectal cancer, and of course, pinna melanoma. I'm going through the entire gamut, but as paranoid people afraid of government conspiracies and black ops and cover-ups and such say, you're not paranoid if they're really after you.


Our rant for the day instead will come from Linda, the Juliane Moore character from the ever reliable movie Magnolia. The premise is this: Linda is the sort of cosmopolitan girl who married a really old guy for his money who is now dying from, what else, cancer. She realizes, in pure heartbrokenness, that she really loves him after all. So she runs from one doctor to the next who prescribed her husband some powerful pain-killers. As she is buying all these powerful stuff (Mmmmmm, powerful STUFF), the pharmacists eye her with doubt. When she couldn't take the judgmental comments ANYMORE, OR, when she couldn't ANYMORE take the judgmental comments, she lets out this fantastic rant. Take it away, Juliane Moore:



You motherfucker...you motherfucker....
 YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
 WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?


I COME IN HERE - YOU DON'T KNOW,
 YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM
 OR WHAT MY LIFE IS AND YOU HAVE THE
 FUCKING BALLS, THE INDECENCY TO ASK
 ME A QUESTION ABOUT MY LIFE --

And FUCK YOU TOO.  Don't you call me "lady."

 I come in with these things, I give it
 over to you, you doubt, you make your
 phone calls, check on me, look suspicious,
 ask questions, "I'm sick." I HAVE SICKNESS
 ALL AROUND ME AND YOU FUCKING ASK ME MY LIFE?
 WHAT'S WRONG?  HAVE YOU SEEN DEATH IN YOUR BED
 IN YOUR HOUSE?  And where is your fucking
 decency?  That I'm asked questions "WHAT'S WRONG?"
 You suck my dick, that's what's wrong and you,
 you fucking call me "lady."  You SHAME ON YOU.
 SHAME ON YOU. SHAME ON BOTH OF YOU.


Now THAT is one giant rant.
Which suddenly gives me an idea. I should popularize this rant somehow and somehow trick people into thinking it's... a  declamation piece! Now that should win grade-conscious, extra-curricular-grabbing  students the medal over the other contestant who just bawls her eyes out  over.... ALMS ALMS SPARE ME A PIECE OF BREAD!


7 comments:

kaye said...

sira ka talaga, Willie. And even before I came to that point where you would write alms...Alms...spare me a piece of bread, I already thought of that declamation piece. And that was when I discovered I could really be as sick as you. yaiks! Ahahahahahha!

But in fairness, I was really imagining Linda while she was ranting and monologue-ing. Ahahahaha!

Sick! you sick doctor! XD

chaoticfancy said...

panis na panis ka kay Linda. I told you nababawasan na ang expletives mo

will said...

Ate Kaye, ibig sabihin nyan ay masyadong exposed ang mga galing Canossa sa mga ka-dramahan gaya ng... ALMS ALMS SPARE ME A PIECE OF BREAD! AHAHAHAHHAHAH BTW dapat nang iresearch ang title nun dahil ang haba-haba itype ahahahahha

Uni-Horned Beef Jerky Alanis Whore, oo nga, kumpara kay Linda ay isa lamang akong small, run-of-the-mill potty mouth. dapat nang mag praktis pero di ko yata kayang sabihin ang "you suck my dick" AHAHAHAHAHAH

NSJK said...

i think the actual title is: "Vengeance is not ours, it's God's" i know that too. we were required to perform it in class, each and everyone of us, 50+ pupils. took us the whole day. and i admire our teacher for having sat through 50+ different renditions of "alms, alms spare me a piece of bread...."

will said...

in fairness nga to your teacher. pero teka, vengeance is... God's?!? anong klaseng mensahe ang pinapaabot nito kung ganun? AHAHAHAHAHA.

John Calica said...

Oh wow. I should get a DVD and watch Magnolia again.

And this post, kindof made me miss my old life, as a potty mouth! Hahaha

will said...

hey john! i remember the time you were recommending Magnolia to me in PHAN, specifically you pointed out that it rained frogs. Some eleven or twelve years later I finally saw it. akala ko drizzle of frog lang, but it was..... a STORM! AHAHAHHAHAHA