Monday, October 29, 2012

Cassandra Cain Goes On A Date With Hellion

A few nights ago as I was sleeping comfortably in my tiny room I call The Coffin my phone suddenly rang violently and who should be on the phone but Cassandra, who was quite frantic. It was one of those cartoonish moments where you imagine spittle coming out of the phone, so I knew it was an emergency. It was pretty late, but Cassandra would not be stifled: "You are available for drinks!" she declared.
"I have no money," I said in an exaggerated bedroom voice.
"I'm driving and I will treat you to beer AND pizza!" Cassandra growled. More spittle from the receiver.
"Where?!" I asked.

While eating in Yellow Cab in Harbor Square Cassandra narrated the harrowing experience she just had. She apparently had a blind date with a guy called Hellion, whose face she wanted to ram down a poso negro.
"I knew it," Frichmond said in her wisdom. "Not to be a MALTA (matapobreng alta), noh, but as soon as you said that he was asking to meet you in Starmall I knew this would be a disaster." Frichmond reached for her abaniko and fanned herself.

Cassandra's date started well enough. Instead of Starmall they went to Trinoma, where Hellion asked that they meet in Jollibee. Hellion treated her to Jollibee, and in these times of poverty a free meal is a free meal. They introduced themselves, started to conduct themselves well as people who go on dates do. How are you nice to know you thank you for meeting me here. So, what do you do?
"Doktor ako," Cassandra meekly said.
"Ay talaga, yung tita ko pala may goiter," Hellion said. "Yung isang uncle ko naman nagka-tulo. Ano ba yung tulo? Yun namang isang pamangkin ko, etc etc etc"
Cassandra politely answered these queries. Those answers would essentially be her last words for the next hours, Cassandra later told us, because Hellion started talking about himself. For two hours. Occasionally Cassandra would try to get a word or two in, but he would not be listening as he would ask about these things again later in the horrid conversation/soliloquy.

"Nagka boyfriend ka na?" asked Hellion.
"Ah, isa, last month kasi..."
"Ako naman nagkaron na ng APAT na girlfriend!" Hellion announced. "At TAKE NOTE, yung isa tiga-ATENEO! Je je je je je!"
He didn't really go je je je je, but to Cassandra's ears he did.

Like a turd Cassandra just sat there for more minutes waiting for the right time to escape, but Hellion was just starting. Cassandra would probably let him talk himself to death, except that his last statement made her want to kill him herself by ramming the chickenjoy drumstick down his fucking throat.
"Ilang taon ka na?" Hellion asked.
"34," Cassandra said nonchalantly. 
"AAAAY! Hindi ka na magkakaanak nyan!" Hellion announced. "Ako nga pala 29 pa lang. Je je je je."
Cassandra stood up. "O sige, una na ako. Gabi na, baka mahirapan kang sumakay ng MRT," Cassandra said.

We like it when vitriol suppressed for two hours get transmogrified into free Dear Darla pizza and beer. Ahoy!

8 comments:

HTGOF said...

What the hell was cassandra doing with that grassroots person?! Is hellion the one in the keane concert? Gross niya a!

HTGOF said...

What the hell was cassandra doing with that grassroots person?! Is hellion the one in the keane concert? Gross niya a!

Anonymous said...

i was cassandra, but i still laughed at the documentation of it all. i hope that the next documentation will fall under the judith mcnaught category, not the simpsons!

will said...

HTGOF: GRASSROOTS! Ahahahahahha not to be malta, pero grassroots na grassroots nga aahahahhaha ahahahahha. i THINK sya nga yung nasa Keane concert!

BOTD said...

Hahahahaha!!!! malta for the win!!!!!

will said...

ahahhaha dapat may dating site na exclusively for maltas para sa date ay magmamaltahan lang ang dalawa ahahahah

Rheuma Jr. said...

lupit nyo... :-)

will said...

ahaha cruel ba sir