Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Anti-Dugyot Support Group

                And who should I walk into in SMF but Ms. Montgomery Burnz. After a few quick hello’s I asked her, being a chief dermatologist, “how do I destroy dark zits?!” I’ve thought old age has spontaneously pulverized any possibility of zits, but boy was I wrong, as I saw two brand new flaming gigantic zits pop up a few days ago. More like disgusting boils containing insects, like the ones in the wonderful, wonderful X-Files episode “Faciphaga Emasculata”. Montgomery wrote a whole zit regimen on a tissue paper, and as soon as she was explaining the special facial washes and the layers of creams to be applied in the morning AND evening I knew I couldn’t comply and I would just let the boils dry up on their own.

“Nakakatamad naman huhuhu. Pag naliligo ako isang Safeguard bar lang ang dala ko sa banyo,” I said with an infernal whine.  To which Montgomery choked on her coffee and said, “ANO KA, KARPINTERO? HINDI KA BA BINABALAKUBAK?!” As if on cue who should walk in but Waylon. Waylon is a medical resident from the batch where everyone dresses well and looks mabango. And, seeng as I always wear oversized black polo or kupas t-shirt, jeans, and crocs all day everyday, he gave me some pointers on how to dress well:

“Dapat yung shoulder line ng polo mga two centimeters above your shoulders.”
“Dapat meron kang at least one pair of rubber shoes, black leather shoes, brown shoes, etc.”
“Dapat yung pants na bibilhin mo ay mid-waist, because strictly speaking the waist is very near the umbilicus, mid-waist is that line made by the ASIS, etc.” Waylon went on to demonstrate how the mid-waist pants accommodates the crotch by standing up and cupping his crotch with two hands.
“Dapat meron kang at least two kinds of perfume. Use them alternately and have a rest day to rest your nose otherwise hindi mo alam kung ang dami-dami mo nang ginagamit. Spray some on your hanky.”
“Dapat meron kang pecs at biceps para maganda ang bagsak ng damit.”
“But I have manboobs naman,” I said. “And I used to go to the gym, back in 2004. For two months, take note. TWO MONTHS!”

He went on to share ten other nuggets of wisdom on grooming, but my favorite advice:
“If you would rotate your pants in a week, dapat meron kang at LEAST three pairs of pants to rotate. Khaki, black, blue. ALAM NILA pag inulit mo ang pants mo.” That one was my favorite because as I’ve sheepishly disclosed to Montgomery and Waylon,

“Er… ang jeans kasi na sinuot ko nang Monday… yun na… HANGGANG FRIDAY!!!” Waylon and Montgomery  snorted on their coffee and shot coffee at my face. I’ve tried to explain that I do that only because I’m too lazy to remove the belt, wallet, and all the other stuff in my jeans pockets and transfer them to another pair daily, but this excuse did not fly at all.

Mr. Waylon Smithers and Ms. Montgomery Burnz heretofore comprise my Anti-Dugyot Support Group.  My goal: magmukang tao by 2014!


Anonymous said...

omg wil. wahahahaha. but that is a good goal by 2014. will review photos to follow your progress. apply your creams!

-stalker smoketh

willy liangco said...

yeah ahahahahhha

Ate Kaye said...

I support the goal. good luck haha!